I've been posted to 3 Guards at Bedok Camp beginning next Monday, for my vacation attachment. Basic Airborne Course starts next Thursday, assuming I make it through the selection test which I think shouldn't be much of a factor, but of course there's never any room for complacency. God willing I'll get my wings as a timely birthday present. Even though I'm not a big fan of heights, but it's time to face my fears, and, quite literally, step out into the unknown. Hooyah!

Hopefully this vacation attachment will give me plentiful opportunities for dynamic learning and I won't be reduced to handling admin stuff, because that will be a bummer. Time to bid farewell to these 3 blissful weeks of working out thrice a day and wondering how else to spend my time otherwise. Looking forward to returning to military life, it's been quite a while. Need to touch base once again.

I think I much prefer blog-surfing to updating my own blog, which kind of explains the sporadic posts. Just read Philip's post about running and I'm inclined to agree with what he said. I never was a big fan of running in the past because it always gave me awful side stitches, and the weather here isn't very conducive to running especially in the afternoon heat. Even though we did a fair bit of running back in the canoeing days, those pre-SDBA intervals and canal runs, I still wasn't particularly fond of it. But after BMT and OCS and 5BX in the mornings which involved short runs, and endurance runs as well as interval training, I gradually came to appreciate how it was a pretty efficient method of exercise and perhaps one of the best cardio workouts. So I started running a lot more during and after military training last year. Running was also an excellent method of sightseeing- in Melbourne, Bangkok and Chicago I'd lace up my shoes and head out of the door for loping morning jaunts ranging from thirty minutes to slightly over an hour in duration, just taking in the sights the cities offered and relishing the relative peace and quiet the early hour provided. In Michigan I did a fair bit of running, especially in the fall and towards the tail end of winter. During the harshest period of winter, around November-January, I didn't get out as much as I'd have liked to, because of the heavy-duty erging sessions and the fact that the pavements were often cloaked in a thick layer of slippery ice. I did go for a couple runs in sub-zero weather, though- bundled up in UnderArmor, running spandex and beanie, but it wasn't easy having to gingerly pick my way around the icy spots, which often reduced my pace to something resembling a shuffle. And if you know me, I'd never run on the treadmill because that's a fate worse than death- I go absolutely balmy just plodding along for two minutes on the deck. As I grew more accustomed to running, my runs became longer, and I often spent between an hour to two hours on the road at any one time. The monthly 10-milers held by the Tortoise and Hare Running Store at Ann Arbor were a great way to inject an occasional dose of excitement into my long Sunday recovery runs. Back in Singapore right now I run alternate days, which is working out really great because I'll be less prone to get bored of it. I signed up for the Chicago Marathon to be held later this year, in October, and I think it'll be an unforgettable experience. Will probably be taking IPPT in the next few weeks- hopefully I manage to attain a respectable 2.4 timing in testament to my training. Haha.

Wah, this blog has been dormant for a very long time. When I come back to Singapore I hardly use the computer, whereas in Michigan if I'm not out and about, away from my room, I'm probably glued to my notebook monitor. So that helps to explain the pretty sporadic updates as well. Anyway so lately I've been quite free, my life predominantly revolves around home, the swimming pool, and Fitness First, and occasional ambling around town. Which isn't a bad existence in itself, in fact it's pretty nice, but not something I think I could do forever. Today I finally discovered the SAFSA Ladies' Dragonboat team which I've been hunting for forever, and it was good paddling in a 12-crew dragonboat again except that it feels deathly slow after the relative lightness of a rowing eight, or a K2 for that matter. I think dragonboating has become hugely popular especially of late- people even own their own paddles now! And they even use fiberglass paddles, which I felt was pretty sweet. Those SDBA-supplied ones are like bloody logs. Okay lah, I've been tagged twice and I think I should do something about it, but not now because it's bedtime. :)

Back in Singapore for four months! The flight back was pretty uneventful except that there was a delay due to engine problems which forced us to switch planes before takeoff from Detroit, and everyone missed their connecting flights. Spent a night in Japan, courtesy of Northwest Airlines, but it wasn't such a shabby deal after all despite reaching home about 15 hours after I was originally scheduled to. At least I didn't reach Singapore at such a godforsaken hour, and I can't really complain about a night's stay in Japan with breakfast and the works. My first entire day in Singapore has just about ended and I'm just getting reacquainted with the horribly humid weather here. Went running this morning, about 6 miles and I don't know if I was running really fast or something or just not getting acclimatized to the weather but my heart rate was pretty high, around 90% of max HR which was kind of weird. And when I returned I was positively dripping. This is crazy weather, I'm not sure I like it very much. Haha. Sometimes it's pretty much a toss-up between the heat and humidity of Singapore and the chilling wind of Michigan- I'm hard-pressed to pick one over the other. Oh well, can't complain now, can I? Signed up for a membership at Fitness First for the duration of my summer vacation, am pretty pleased because it seems like a good deal considering what a gym rat I am, and their clubs are kinda sweet. Especially the one at George Street which I shall have to check out. The Paragon one is pretty nice except that it's slightly small, but that personal trainer- what's his name- that hot one who appeared on the cover of Men's Health and who burnt up the sidewalks a couple years back with the pic of him in the buff for the smoking hot Virgin Mobile advert at bus stops and the like- works there, so that's also a treat. Haha. Met up with EC and went for a much-needed haircut, it was great talking to her and she has a sweet bike as well! Makes me feel like learning riding. Haha.

Ah, leaving for home in less than 24 hours' time.
Mixed feelings here, I know I'll miss Ann Arbor a great deal. It's strange, I was raring to go home like nothing else in December for winter break- but now... now, it's different. The elation is muted. Although I'm definitely looking forward to seeing everyone at home, there're just so many things here that I'll miss, and I can't even begin to list them all. But definitely a great part of what I'll dreadfully miss about Michigan is the people, the friends and teammates especially. Well, thankfully I'll be back in four months' time so it's not as though I'm leaving for good. Man, if I'm already feeling like that, could you possibly imagine how I'd feel after graduating from UMich? Nah, not the time to think about that right now. Anyway, on to happier things! Really looking forward to seeing you guys back in Singapore! Jio me out okay. Hahaha! Give me a call or text me at my usual SG no.!

And packing is a bloody bitch. Sian.

It's been a while, hasn't it?
***

Anyway life is pretty sweet now that I'm 3/4ths done with exams and only have World Politics left on Wednesday. After having gotten through today without much mishap I'm feeling much better about myself and the rest of the week. Two papers today- German and Great Books, with only an hour separating them both, so it was pretty hectic as you can possibly imagine. Somehow I've grown to appreciate the laid-back, casual attitude most people adopt here, which manifests itself in even the most unexpected forms. Like during the German exam today, the course coordinator (he's a great guy called Hartmut who has a penchant for the oddest T-shirts ever) brought along a huge box of snacks- Fig Newtons, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, cookies, etc, and passed them out during the exam itself. I think that was a gesture that was much appreciated by most of the students, and somehow, albeit in a small way, it's a demonstration of how much more flexible and accommodating the system here is as compared to back home. Somehow, I just don't see the professors in the local universities passing out Pocky sticks and Hello Panda biscuits to the students during examinations.

And on a totally unrelated note, I was climbing the stairs up to my room in South Quad (SQuad) and it suddenly struck me that I hadn't seen an escalator in a substantial amount of time. Which immediately brought to mind what Bill Bryson related in his book on small-town America- I can't remember exactly, but he narrated how he could buy postcards of backcountry farmers "grasping the handrails on moving walkways bravely", which were astutely captioned "I rode the escalator at the Town Mall!". Ah, the joys of (relatively) suburban America.

Home in a couple days! Does anyone want a workout partner? Only bother letting me know if you're willing to be as hardcore as me. Hahaha.

***
She said I don’t know if I’ve ever been good enough
I’m a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in
And I don’t know if I’ve ever really been loved
By the hand that’s touched me, well I feel like something gonna give
And I’m a little bit angry, well

This ain’t over, no not here, not while I still need you
Around
You don’t owe me, we might change
Yeah we just might feel good

I wanna push you around, I will, I will
I wanna push you down, I will, I will
I wanna take you for granted
I will

She said I don’t know why you ever would lie to me
Like I’m a little untrusting when I think that the truth is
Gonna hurt ya
And I don’t why you couldn’t just stay with me
You couldn’t stand to be near me
When my face don’t seem to want to shine cuz it’s a little bit dirty well

Don’t just stand there, say nice things to me
I’ve been cheated, I’ve been wronged, and you
You don’t know me, I can’t change
I won’t do anything at all

Oh but don’t bowl me over
Just wait a minute well it kinda fell apart, things get so
Crazy, crazy
Don’t rush this, baby
***
Matchbox Twenty :: Push

The sides of my shins have been scraped raw after water practice today, and my hands are torn apart. Practice was good even though the sun was in my eyes half the time and I couldn't see shit but I guess there's nothing much to be seen when you're involved in a sport where you're not supposed to be able to see where you're headed. If you can actually see where you're going it only means that you're rowing in the wrong direction and had better do something about it quickly. Today's training reinforced just exactly how much of an entire-body workout rowing is, because if you think about it you're basically doing an endless series of squats and crunches in a seated position over the course of 2,000 meters just so you can coax your twelve-foot-long wooden attachment into propeling you forward as quickly as possible. Of course at the same time you have to keep the boat "set" (or stabilised), if not half of the rowers will have their oars four feet above the water while the other half will be frantically trying to rescue their oars from the clutches of the lake. Sometimes this process repeats itself to no end which is positively unsettling (pun fully intended). But at least we're all so much better especially if you look at how much we've improved since last Fall when we first started out. I haven't yet popped out of my shoes which I'm eternally grateful for. The experience of popping out of your shoes is pretty nasty particularly because it always occurs when you're least expecting it. Like you'll be focusing so hard on your stroke and feathering the blade (turning the blade parallel to the water surface to minimize air resistance) and all of a sudden you dig the blade in too deep and whoosh you find yourself in the lap of the perplexed rower behind you. Thankfully for me I haven't ended up in anyone's lap outside my will yet but that's only because I'm always rowing starboard in the bow seat (that's the last seat in the boat), and so there's no one behind me. But that only means that when I pop out (which used to happen far too often for my liking) I am faced with a very immediate danger of flying out of the boat entirely, and to be truthful I'd much prefer being in someone's lap than watching the 7 rowers + 1 coxswain row past me (remember, they can't see where they're headed, they'll only know once they go past...) Okay I don't know why I'm blogging about this when I have a Comms exam tomorrow which would be in my best interest to study for.

It's not the best idea in the world to fling yourself wholeheartedly into a vigorous weights session after not having come within a couple meters of iron in a while. There's that odd quivering sensation that tells me that I am going to have a ton of fun attempting to get out of bed tomorrow morning. Since everyone is tapering for crew we've ceased doing weights- instead we do a 15-station circuit once a week- the way I see it, it's more of an injury-prevention workout. You know, with resistance bands and Bosu balls and newfangled core thingamajigs. But of course you shouldn't underestimate them, especially the resistance bands. Whew you'd never think an innocuous-looking, brightly-colored piece of elastic tubing could make you sink to your knees in submission but try doing band pull-aparts or striding across the room with the tubing wrapped around your ankles and see if you aren't drenched in perspiration when it's time to head to the next station. Anyway come to think of it I don't know why I disliked the gym at the IMSB (Intramural Sports Building) at first and preferred the one at the CCRB (Central Campus Recreational Building) because now I swear by the former and hardly ever go to the latter. And there are more meatheads at the CCRB to boot, I don't know why, maybe the IM building is too far for them and perhaps they're afraid that by trudging the extra distance it'll be too much cardio and that'll deplete precious nutrients which could be otherwise used for muscle growth. But the meatheads are really funny sometimes, there's this guy who's perpetually plugged into his iPod when he's working out and he'll start belting out off-key tunes in between sets, which really irks me but I don't want to say anything for fear of being thwacked by a stack of 45-pound plates. And there's this hairy Polish guy (well I don't know if he's really Polish but he was wearing a torn Polska singlet so maybe he is) and he makes a ton of noise while he's at the weights, you know, those typical rugger grunts and overexaggerated exhalations and all. Man, you really see all sorts at the gym. It's so funny, especially when they start preening and flexing in front of the mirror when they think no one is looking (come to think of it, it should be when they think people are looking) and I have to silently hold back my laughter. Okay tomorrow is going to be one hell of a sore day, I can just feel it right now, not good since there's morning erg to boot. Oh well.

The RJC Geography Students of 2004!
Good times, those...

Oh, irony of ironies. The invitation mailed out to me in recognition of "great scholastic achievements" has two spelling errors in the very first sentence.

***
Dear Michigan Student-Athlete,

In recognition of your great scholastic achievements, you have been
awarded the Univeristy of Michigan Athletic Academic Acheivement Award. To be recognized and receive your award, The University of Michigan
Department of Intercollegiate Athletics and the Academic Success Program
cordially invites you to the 2006 Academic Achievement Awards Reception
on Tuesday, April 11, 2006 in the Michigan Union Ballroom. Please plan
to arrive promptly at 7:15 p.m. Please email Ruquel McKinnie at
ruquelm@umich.edu if you are not able to attend. Thanks and
congratulations!

Maher Mark Salah
Director of Student-Athlete Development
Academic Advisor
University of Michigan Athletics

***

Well, I suppose I should be grateful for an Athletic Academic Acheivement Award bestowed on me by the Univeristy of Michigan, nonetheless.

***

So here's the classes I've registered to take in Fall 2006:
***
GERMAN 205 Conversation
POLSCI 354 Governments & Politics of Southeast Asia
POLSCI 369 International Economic Relations
ECON 401 Intermediate Microeconomic Theory
ECON 404 Statistics for Economists
***
and hopefully, since application for writing positions only open in Summer,
POLSCI 290 Practicum for the Michigan Journal of Political Science
***

Looks like I've got an interesting semester ahead! Finally I'm departing the realm of concentration prerequisites, which entail 100-level courses, and entering uncharted territory where the courses are all 300-level or higher. For the life of me I'm interested to see how I'll fare in Economics, having spent much of my second year in RJC either: 1. snoozing facedown in the crook of my arm during Mr S's riveting econ tutorials, 2. busying myself with last-minute homework during lectures in chilly LT4, or 3. occupying myself with alternative activities entirely unrelated to 1 and 2, (like going to Ghim Moh for tau huay and tang yuan), having applied the concepts of opportunity cost and cost-benefit analysis in deciding to do so. See, at least elementary concepts come in handy! Ha. Well at least I faithfully attended every (okay, perhaps I exaggerate, but more than I'd have cared to) Economics 'S' paper lecture, even though I had absolutely no inkling of what was been taught in class. Given my admirable track record, I'm pretty convinced next semester will be a blast, especially since Economics in the US is reputed to be heavy on the mathematics and less so on writing... Oh how I am going to enjoy myself.

Okay, enough with the tongue-in-cheek rambling. Truth be told, I'm looking forward to the two Political Science courses I'll be taking. It surprises me how much I'm enjoying Polsci, because although I knew I'd probably appreciate it, I didn't think I'd like it THAT much. And it'll be good to take the course in SEA politics since that's a topic which is close to home and therefore somewhat more applicable than other courses... like Comm 101 which I'm taking now, and gradually discovered through the course of the term that it focused exclusively on the American media, which happens to be somewhat removed from what I foresee as the nature of my job in future.

No time on my schedule for a full 4-credit second-year college level German course next semester, so I'll have to settle for a conversation course in the meantime. Perhaps it's a blessing in disguise, as my intention of learning German is mainly for communication and utilitarian purposes, rather than possessing a scholarly objective in mind. But I hope to take German 231 in the subsequent semester, if time allows.

10,000 miles from home and so I'm pretty detached from things occurring in Singapore. Like it dawned upon me when I was blog-surfing that it's no longer Singapore Idol which is the source of the idle starstruck chatter of kids back home- it's now Campus Superstar. And I'm pretty certain that it's been so for the longest time now, just that I've only just realized. It's not something particularly crucial which I need to know, so that's fine. I'm just unable to comprehend society's fascination with reality TV. Especially in Singapore, where there's a serious dearth of true talent compared to places like the US.


"Reality shows are hybridized programs which appeal to postmodern sensitivities, causing viewers’ eyes to glaze over at the hypnotically tempting prospect of instant gratification."
-- an excerpt from my communications studies research paper on the impact of reality TV on society today.

Don't people have better things to do? Well, perhaps not.

Midwest Festival 2006 was hosted by UMich yesterday! It's a yearly event where the SSAs from various colleges in midwest America congregate at the host university for a day of sports, games and basically just catching up with people you haven't seen in a while. And of course there's the everpresent opportunity to get to know other Singaporeans from these schools as well. The turnout was pretty decent, with Singaporeans from UIUC, Carnegie Mellon, Wisconsin-Madison, Indiana-Bloomington, Michigan State (ha!), Purdue, Northwestern, and Minnesota visiting Ann Arbor. We congregated at Trotter House for an evening of entertainment following a day of games at Pioneer High School and Fuller Field. There was karaoke, a spectacular dance performance by some UMich people (including dearest Wilson Liu, lol), and I was glad I managed to meet Tracy and Joanne after such an incredibly long time! It was great catching up with them. Although I definitely wish we had had more time to spend, because the length of the travel time somewhat shortened their stays here. It was nice, nonetheless.

Argh I'm kind of sick of dorm food. I think I'll have Subway tonight instead.

Wilson and I have jointly embarked on a journey of culinary discoveries, beginning with our astonishingly successful muah-chee-making experience for the UMSSA three weeks back. Buoyed by our success, we decided to start experimenting with more recipes in his kitchen- and so far, we've fared quite well! Take today's dinner for example: pan-fried wild salmon fillets seasoned with cajun spices, the remainder of the nonya chap chye which we cooked on Saturday, peanut pancake (ming jiang kueh), and of course the obligatory muah chee for dessert! Can't get enough of that. Hahaha! Check out the pictures below. And of course, much thanks to Daphne of Kitchencrazydaffy for all her inspiration!

***
Pan-fried Salmon

Pan-fried Salmon on Japanese Rice


Peanut Pancake


Muah Chee

***

This photo entry is dedicated to the two people in the world who love to suan me the most. Hahahaha.
  

It's strange how some people, despite your fleeting interaction with them, leave an overwhelming imprint on your life and make you contemplate your own goals and motivations, just by the things they say and impressions which they convey.

I didn't even see him that often- just three times at the interview panel, a couple occasions during Delta visits, I might've chanced across him perhaps once or so during my month-long internship in June, and finally, one last time, just days before I was to leave to commence studies in Michigan.

I vividly remember the talk he gave that evening- after trooping into the auditorium, the cool air from the air-conditioning a welcome respite from the humidity we'd encountered while marching up the three flights of steps en route from wingline. At that point in time I was undecided and unsure, as I'd be for a long time after- but his address, delivered on the basis of heart and soul, rather than rank or seniority- struck a resonating chord within me. The simple, trusting faith in God, the goodness, the humility, the values of a leader, were overwhelmingly evident as he shared his experiences with the audience. The tab he bore on his sleeve- a representation of loyalty, sacrifice, brotherhood, and ethos- things I wanted to experience for myself, if only for the edification of others. I left that night knowing that I'd entrusted my future to the right place, because the things he spoke of coincided with my desires for the good of myself and what I hoped to achieve for others.

The evening at Stagmont- my mind torn between a thousand possibilities, a myriad of divergent paths that promised varying options at what the next couple of years might hold. I was clear about what I wanted to do, but unsure about how I'd want to go about achieving that outcome. In the midst of my turbulent mental anguish, his eye met mine, and as though having discerned that I was in a state of turmoil, he came over. He didn't give me a solution, because that'd be something only I could decide for myself- but that brief encounter did help me. It reinforced my beliefs, and in the process I gained even more respect for this man, for whom relationships and an honest interest in the wellbeing of others transcended rank, without sacrificing professionalism and responsibility.

I couldn't have foreseen that my final encounter with him would be the last time I'd ever meet him. BL and I were in the conference room, nervously awaiting his entrance, and apprehensive at the very thought of the meeting. When he arrived, however, after the business-like handshakes, he immediately put the two of us at ease- never once doubting our motivations, but gently probing to ascertain that we'd both made the choices that we would stand to benefit from, in the long run. The meeting didn't last long- only about twenty minutes, and at the end of it all he stood up to leave, looked deep into our eyes, perhaps in an implicit conveyor of trust, which underlied his expectations for us, and grasped our hands in a firm handshake, wishing us both the very best in our studies abroad. It was a fleeting moment, indicative of the discipline that was necessary in such an organization; but by no means compromising goodwill and consideration for individual welfare.

So when I received the news early this morning that he had unexpectedly passed away, at the prime of his career and leaving behind two young daughters, I grieved- less for the loss of a brilliant mind or a capable individual, for those are common traits- but, rather, for a man whose deeds and actions depicted his unwavering purpose and faith, and who taught me, by virtue of example, what it really meant to be an officer in the SAF.

The Quintessential Stalker Song- coincidentally, also one of my favorite songs from D. Hayes.

***
Creeping up on you is the wrong thing to do
I've found your address
Got your phone number too
Visit all the stores where you buy all your clothes
Been to secret places you think nobody knows

If I have to live without you, nobody could
I need to be around you, watching you
No one else can love you like I do
Feel it when I'm creeping up on you
I know that it wouldn't be right if I stayed all night
Just to peek in on you
Creeping up on you
Creeping up on you

I've been hanging round all the places you haunt
Spying on your friends to find out what you want
Drinking from a glass that you left on the bar
Follow you around, driving home in your car
Do I have to breathe without you, 'cause nobody could
I need to be around you, watching you

No one else can love you like I do
Feel it when I'm creeping up on you
I know that it wouldn't be right if I stayed all night
Just to peek in on you
Creeping up on you

I know this must be wrong, it can't go on
This kind of thing is taking all my sanity and making me a mockery
This must be wrong, it can't go on
So won't somebody free me from this misery?
Bring my baby closer to me

No one else can love you like I do
You feel it when I'm creeping up on you
I know that it wouldn't be right if I stayed all night
Just to peek in on you
Creeping
No one else can love you like I do
I know you feel it when I'm creeping up on you
I know that it wouldn't be right if I stayed all night
Just to be
Creeping up on you

'Cause no one else can love you, no, no, like I do
I'm only peeking in on you
Watching everything you do
No one else can love you, no, like I do
No one else should love you, no, like I do
Baby, creeping up on you
Watching everything you do
No one else can love you, no
No one else should touch you, no
No one else can love you, love you, be with you
***

Creeping Up On You Darren Hayes

Right now we're heading into the final throes of the Winter semester and in a couple weeks it'll be time for me to reflect on what's been effectively my first academic year at UMich. Weirdly enough, I still feel like I haven't been here for long- perhaps because the school year in its entirety is only eight months long, not counting Spring/ Summer term which is optional and primarily for those who choose to take classes over summer break. I foresee a pretty crazy four weeks ahead till the end of classes and the beginning of finals. I've got quite a lot on my plate- here's the (unenviable) list of major assignments which are due sometime within that four-week frame.

- POLSCI 160 essay on the International Political Economy
- GTBOOKS essay on Dante/ St. Augustine/ The Bible/ Boccaccio, or a final project left entirely up to individual whims and fancies- say, a photo essay dealing with common themes in the books we've read, or a play modelled on Sophocles' style, for instance
- COMM 101 final paper on Reality TV (those of you who were in the '04 and '05 batches of RJC may remember that as my pet topic)
- COMM 111 group website on media bias
- GERMAN 102 role play (not good, my spoken German is abysmal)

And on another note, today marked the first time I've borrowed books from the Shapiro Undergraduate Library (affectionately known as UGLi by the student population here), and primarily because I decided it would be in my best interest to actually read the books I'd listed in my reference page for the proposal I turned in for the upcoming COMM 101 paper. Whoopee. Aiyah so busy. Looking forward to Singapore in about a month's time!

Hahahaha this is crazy. Edwin, Aileen, Jiayong, Efrem and I have signed up for the 2006 Chicago Marathon on October 22nd! 26.2 miles, here I come! Time for a marathon-specific training plan!

"I think you're amazing."

It's funny how these four words have turned up in my life so often.

***
When Weiqi and I first discovered "Amazing" by George Michael, a song we both loved.
***
I remember signing off with this sentence at the end of a letter, stuffing it in your locker back in the good old days, strangely, not too long ago. And breathlessly anticipating the time you'd go there after school ended, dial the combination, and open it to reveal those sheets of paper with everything I wanted to say to you.
***
Scribbled on top of foolscap just last year, back in June, when I sat down and wrote you that first heartfelt note. You liked those lyrics, and you replied, saying so- and that you thought it meant the same to you as it did to me. We did believe that, and it was lovely while it lasted. But, as most good things do, it came to an end. We went our separate ways, I haven't talked to you since, but I do hope you're happy with whatever you're doing right now.
***
And just the other day, after morning practice, she stopped me as I had thrown on my fleece and sweatpants and was getting ready to leave the room back to South Quad to grab my books for class. I was about to leave alone; we had had two practice times that day, and a choice of which to attend. I had come for the earlier one, and stayed to repeat half the workout together with the girls who had come later, of my own accord. It wasn't particularly unusual, since I'd done that several times before. They'd say I was crazy, but I didn't care.

Our eyes met for a moment; a brief but discernible flash in her eye told me that she had seen and knew everything, right from the very first day I had turned up at tryouts. It happened so quickly that I was taken aback as she pushed a folded piece of paper into my hand and sent me on my way. I didn't open it till I was out of Cliff Keen Arena. When I was safely on the other side of the street, I unfolded the paper, to read:

Feng-

I think you're AMAZING.

- V

My eyes blurred and watered, and I stared down at the ground as I quickened my pace back to South Quad, clasping the piece of paper in my hand, as everything came flooding back into my head. The gnawing disappointments of not being boated, not because of lack of will or power, but size, something I had no control over. The solitary hours spent in the erg room, tired but determined to finish the additional self-imposed workout. Unblemished attendance records, despite illness and injury. The feeling of being flung out of my foot stretchers those early days in the fall and almost being dumped unceremoniously overboard. Sitting in the bow in the bitter cold, teeth chattering, not being able to feel my fingers and getting more desperate by the moment. Pulling hard, every stroke, all the time, never letting up, right through the line.

It's true, what I'd learnt back in the Army:
"Rank is what you wear, but respect is what you earn".

Earlier this year, she had come up to the erg I was on, between sets as I was catching my breath in the short pause between sprint intervals. We were about midway through the workout, which was relatively short but extremely intense; an anaerobic Level 1 workout. It was the day after I'd sent her a long, heartfelt email, which tore me up inside as I typed each word. I still remember what she said then as I looked up to catch her eye, sweat dripping down my face and unable to muster enough breath to speak properly-

"You're a fighter, and I like that. Go out there and stake your claim".

I know I posted this quote before, but it basically summed up everything I felt right then, and underlined my motivation:
"The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it."
- Juhn Ruskin

I knew it would be absolutely impossible for me to be the fastest, or even come anywhere near to reaching those sub-1:40 split times, but did that really matter? Or did drive and character matter more, and pushing yourself till your breaking point? I chose the latter, and never looked back. Say what you want, do what you like- including doing weights for "purely aesthetic purposes"- but for me I choose to bust my ass to challenge my limits, and that's something you can't lay claim to.
***

I'll keep that slip of paper forever, as a treasured reminder.

I know it's been a week since I returned from Flagstaff, Arizona, and I've only gotten round to posting a photo of my incredible venture into the Grand Canyon now. Apologies for the delay- as usual, it's always busy here in Ann Arbor, especially since we've begun practice on the lake again, which is pretty time-consuming because of the fact that we've to travel to and fro and deal with a crapload of logistics before we can get out on the water. I'm intending to do a pretty detailed writeup of my trip, with accompanying pictures, but I know I won't be able to do it all at once. I'll probably give a day-by-day account, and hopefully I'll be able to start on that soon. More pictures are on their way- I dreadfully need to make use of my Flickr account so it won't be a waste of money. Just a quick lowdown on the trip to the Canyon: It ranks right up there with the best experiences of my life. Spending a week in the depths of nature in all its unabashed glory, hiking long distances every day over impossibly rocky terrain and steep gradients, with a fantastic group of people whom I got to know better than I'd ever imagined possible. What more could I ask for? Spring Break '06 was, in every sense of the word, awesome.

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Gazing into the unknown.

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