It's been five months to the day...

... and I can finally bring myself to use this song, which pretty much says it all.

***
Now that it's all said and done
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down
Like an old abandoned house

What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath
I fell too far, was in way too deep
Guess I let you get the best of me

Well I never saw it coming
I should've started running a long, long time ago
And I never thought I'd doubt you
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know

I'm slowly getting closure
I guess it's really over
I'm finally getting better
And now I'm picking up the pieces
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together

'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through
I got over you

You took a hammer to these walls
Dragged the memories down the hall
Packed your bags and walked away
There was nothing I could say

And when you slammed the front door shut
A lot of others opened up
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me

Well I never saw it coming
I should've started running a long, long time ago
And I never thought I'd doubt you
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know

I'm slowly getting closure
I guess it's really over
I'm finally getting better
And now I'm picking up the pieces
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together

'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through
I got over you

Daughtry - Over You

***

It's interesting how this year has worked itself out so far. Looking back, it was a simply godawful start to 2008. I really don't think it could have been any worse. I lost so many of the things I thought I had - when relationships crumbled for no apparent reason, when some people I treasured so much had other ideas and turned away from me, when I was forced to leave the gym that had been an important part of my life. Throw into the mix a thesis that had to be completed, cognates that had to be finished, and the stress of a final semester as a senior undergraduate. It wasn't a pretty sight.

Thank God for the friends who stuck by me and offered their support - those who actually listened to my sorry tales and were there for me as I oscillated from bitter and angry to hopeful and trying my darndest to be cheerful and back again. I'm so incredibly blessed to have friends like these. I'm thankful also for the myriad of opportunities that sprang up in the wake of all the forgettable incidents that happened. If it hadn't been for those incidents, I would never had have the chances to do some of the diverse things that I've managed to do, or meet some of the cool people I've met, in the recent months.

School ended up turning out well, the thesis was duly completed, I achieved most, if not all, that I had hoped to achieve academically. CrossFit and training-wise, I believe I've improved markedly in all aspects despite not training at an affiliate (excluding the occasional visit to Motor City CrossFit at Sterling Heights, an hour's drive from Ann Arbor). My athletic performances at drop-in visits at other affiliates when I travel are proof yet again that maybe I was wrong in thinking that I HAD to fork out $199 a month to be able to keep my CrossFit fire stoked. It really does boil down to individual motivation and desire, and that's something that no one can take away from me.

***
Fall seven times, stand up eight.
- Japanese Proverb

Colorgenics Test - What do you think?

I usually avoid online personality tests like the plague, because I find it hard to fathom how an in-depth personality profile could possibly be generated, after a few cursory questions. But this post on Wilson's blog caught my interest for some reason (probably since he mentioned that it seemed to be uncannily accurate), and for want of anything better to do, I decided to try it out myself.

It's called the Colorgenics test, and a brief synopsis of how it works can be found on the GoldinUniverse site.

How it works:
The Colorgenics program is made up of eight standard colors - you simply select these colors in your preferred order.The number of ways in which these eight colors can be ordered is vast, and it is in the analysis of these permutations - and specifically the one personal order that you choose - that the power of the Colorgenics program becomes apparent.

Sounds a bit sketchy, right? Anyway, I went ahead and tried it out. Here are my results:

***
You have exaggerated demands on life but you are cautious enough to try to hide these beliefs from the outside world. You are covert enough to try to impress other people around you with your achievements and at the same time able to put on an act of pretending to be 'humble' - being the same as everyone else. It would appear, however, that whatever you are doing seems to be working out O.K.

You are in need of rest, some peace and quiet. You feel the need to be close to that someone special, that someone who can give you that special consideration and unquestioning affection that you seek. If you don't find that 'special someone' and resolve your problems very soon, you are liable to become extremely introverted and cut yourself off from society.

You feel that you should be appreciated far more than you are but no-one seems to care! You feel that you are receiving less than your share and the main problem is that there is no-one to whom you can turn to for sympathy and understanding. The inner stress that you are experiencing makes you quick to take offence but you realise that at this particular moment in time there is little that you can do to relieve the situation.

You pretend that you are a carefree individual and that nothing really bothers you - that you are so self-sufficient that whatever problems beset you they simply flow off you as water flows off a ducks back. You are experiencing considerable stress, trying to conceal yourself from the rest of the world. In actual fact - deep down, you are not at all happy. You feel lonely and you need someone with whom you can 'Let your hair down' and share your hopes, dreams and high standards. You are imposing unnecessary self restraint on yourself. You would like to demonstrate the unique quality of your character to all and sundry.

You are moody and depressed at this time but it will pass. All of your hopes and dreams seem to have gone astray and you are fearful of planning further for the future. Disappointment at the non fulfilment of your hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety and you try to escape from this by withdrawing into yourself. But that is not the answer. You have the power to succeed, believe in yourself... all is possible to him who believes.
***

Well, I might have to reconsider my impression of such personality tests! I'd say this is 80 per cent accurate at this point in time. In particular, the second, fourth, and fifth paragraphs really resonate with everything that's happened. Scary! If you're free, try it (it only takes about thirty seconds to perform the color arrangement test) for yourself!

The last thing you said before you walked out of my life...

"There's such a thing as loving too much."

I guess I just didn't know any other way to love you.


***
Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you're frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melted into the ground
Found something true
And everyone's looking round
Thinking I'm going crazy

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling

But nothing's greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I'm going crazy, maybe, maybe

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

And it's draining all of me
Oh, they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see

I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
***
Leona Lewis - Keep Bleeding

sugar how'd you get so fly?

Something deep inside tells me that I'd really like to get to know you better.

***
You got me lifted, shifted higher than the ceiling
And ooohh whee, it’s the ultimate feeling
You got me lifted, feelin so gifted
Sugar how’d you get so fly?

不死之身 (林俊傑)

This is one of my favorite Mandarin songs - loosely translated to read "Eternal Life", by JJ Lin. It was released sometime back in 2006 and I hadn't heard it in a while, but all of a sudden I thought of it again, and found it on imeem. For the record, my wimpy diet of Mandarin songs primarily consists of Jay Chou's tunes and maybe some random ditties by other artistes like Elva Hsiao.

On another note, I offered to cook dinner for some close friends at one of their places just last Saturday. They're people I work out with and so we see a lot of one another, at 6:00 am in the morning no less (sometimes I think they've been doing a pretty credible job at pretending they're thrilled to see me each day, despite me being the harbinger of doom, ie. crazy workouts).

I don't think I'd laughed as much in a long time till that dinner on Saturday. I don't know what it was - probably the good company and the funny jokes, no doubt - but the talking at the dinner table sent me into guffaws and cracked me up till my sides hurt so bad from laughing. (Note: Laughing with a full belly is intensely uncomfortable). But it was cathartic in a sense, being able to laugh and enjoy myself with friends. It cut through the dull ache in my heart in a way that I didn't think anything else but time could possibly do.

A lot of the time I try to convince myself that I've moved on and left it all behind, but in doing so I'm really not fooling anyone but myself. Then again, I guess there really is no other option but to wait it out. It's not as though I'm sitting around feeling sorry for myself - there's a ton of stuff to be done and so many things that jostle for my attention. And I'm not looking for sympathy here. It's just the nights like that which get me thinking about you, and all of a sudden I wish you wouldn't have been as cruel as to leave me, just like that.

That's really all there is to it.

***
陽光放棄這最後一秒
讓世界被黑暗籠罩
懲罰著人們的驕傲
我忍受寒冷的煎熬
和北風狂妄的咆哮
對命運做抵抗

Sunlight abandoned this final second
Letting the world be enveloped by darkness
Punishing people for their pride
I'll endure the suffering of freezing cold
And the north wind's pretentious roar
I'll resist destiny

這是無法避免的浩劫
不論你以為你是誰
任何事物 任何一切
喔 親愛的別難過
只要緊緊握著我的手

This is an unavoidable catastrophe
No matter who you think you are
Every object, every single thing
Oh, darling, don't feel sad
As long as you hold tightly to my hand

地球毀滅了以後
我仍愛你愛的不知天高地厚
為你再造一個新宇宙
不死之身 不死的溫柔

After the earth is destroyed
I'll still love you with a love that knows no bounds
I'll build you a new universe
Eternal life, undying tenderness

撐著悲傷不回頭
卻感覺此刻你停不了的淚流
唯有愛才能永垂不朽
唯有你我才能找回我
唯有你我才能找回我
唯有你我才能找回我

Bear the sorrow without turning back
But now, I feel as if your tears won't stop flowing
Only with love can we be remembered forever
Only with you can I find myself
Only with you can I find myself
Only with you can I find myself
***

shades of gray

Hmm, interesting.

thesis schmesis

I'd take another chance
Take a fall, take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
(But that's nothing new)

Looking at a year-and-a-half's worth of work in the form of a neatly-bound 132-page thesis, I can say it's been quite an experience. Especially the last week or so. On Sunday (the day before the thesis was due) I spent sixteen straight hours slogging away in the Angell Hall Computing Site, lovingly christened the Fishbowl (that's one of the biggest computing sites on campus, for the uninitiated). It was only then when I fully realized why it was nicknamed the Fishbowl - particularly true in the wee hours of the morning, because everyone pretty much has eyes that are glazed over from the lack of sleep, compounded by staring at a computer screen for hours on end. I emerged from the Fishbowl at 4:00 am finally with my four printed copies, went home, got into my car and drove to the FedEx Kinko's down on State to get the theses bound (24-hour Kinko's are the best thing ever).

I both love and loathe Microsoft Office Word 2007. It was pretty cool when I discovered that there was such a tool as an automatic content page generator, but not half as cool when the formatting kept screwing up when I tried to add my final heading for the reference list to the content sheet. I could correct it on Word itself, but whenever I tried to print or convert it to a PDF file, it'd automatically recorrect (or rewrong, given the circumstances) itself. It drove me nuts, and I finally gave up on amending it on the computer, resorting instead to a most primitive method to make the amendment. I won't elaborate on what I did, save to say that it was a most ingenious solution that involved a wad of chewed gum, a sheet on which the amendment I had wanted to include was printed, and a photocopier. Well, you couldn't tell the difference, in any case! :)

Anyway, so Sunday was only the second all-nighter I've pulled in my undergraduate college experience to date. The first was for a polsci paper almost exactly a year ago. I don't recommend it, but I think it's a staple part of many students' lives. I value my sleep too much to make this a habit!

Well, it's not over yet - my thesis defense is scheduled for next Tuesday. Exactly a week from today I'll have to stand in front of a panel and attempt to be an expert on politics in Singapore. Hopefully that goes well!

oldies but goodies

Okay, so I discovered Leqi's stash of photos from junior college days, tucked away in the obscure crevices of the World Wide Web... thanks, partner!

Gao Shang's doing some sort of sexy shuffle in the middle, the look of disgust on Weiqi's face is priceless, can't tell what the heck Lydia is thinking, Mag looks like an agitated mother trying to keep her unruly child in check, both Leqi and Vania seem to be intensely fixated on the ground (or their toes, or each other's toes, for that matter) while Shine's beaming benevolently at an earthworm before she squashes it beneath her sandal, Carol looks as though she's about to fall asleep which is surprising, considering she's seldom awake in the first place, Zhen looks like she's stuffing a wadded medal ribbon up her nostrils, and Sheryl and I are wondering how we've ended up as the unlucky two on the ends of the photo (as everyone in our team is fully aware, standing at the ends has the unwanted effect of enlargement).

GS (cackling): "Hey, wanna see? ;)".
Zhen: "Thank you kindly, but we'd rather not".
Lydia: "Mmmmmmmmfffffgggghhhhhh".

Hangout @ Mt. Sinai (aka. the old RJC weight room, where I spent some of the best times of my life - an infinitely better place to be than in economics tutorial).

And the canoeists' table!

it's like picking at a scab

it's been almost two months, yet i still find myself thinking about you.

usually i push my thoughts aside, most of the time i succeed in immersing myself in something else (i suppose it's hard to think when you're occupied with work, talking to others, or just trying to survive another brutal CrossFit workout), but it's the quiet moments that get me. and they're lying in wait for me everywhere - journeys on the bus staring out of the window, walking home from the MRT, even those long swims in the pool. don't get me wrong, i'm not clutching at straws here. i know it's over, but a part of me still grieves. i keep telling myself to move on, to get a grip, to leave you behind. at least the pain ebbs away a little everyday.

***
In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing.
- Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

Excerpted from "In the Grip of Grace" by Max Lucado

Guilt and Grace
by Max Lucado

Sometime ago I read a story of a youngster who was shooting rocks with a slingshot. He could never hit his target. As he returned to Grandma’s backyard, he spied her pet duck. On impulse he took aim and let fly. The stone hit, and the duck was dead. The boy panicked and hid the bird in the woodpile, only to look up and see his sister watching.

After lunch that day, Grandma told Sally to help with the dishes. Sally responded, “Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen today. Didn’t you Johnny?” And she whispered to him, “Remember the duck!” So, Johnny did the dishes.

What choice did he have? For the next several weeks he was at the sink often. Sometimes for his duty, sometimes for his sin. “Remember the duck,” Sally’d whisper when he objected.

So weary of the chore, he decided that any punishment would be better than washing more dishes, so he confessed to killing the duck. “I know, Johnny,” his grandma said, giving him a hug. “I was standing at the window and saw the whole thing. Because I love you, I forgave you. I wondered how long you would let Sally make a slave out of you.” (Steven Cole, “Forgiveness,” Leadership Magazine, 1983, 86.)

He’d been pardoned, but he thought he was guilty. Why? He had listened to the words of his accuser.

You have been accused as well. You have been accused of dishonesty. You’ve been accused of immorality. You’ve been accused of greed, anger, and arrogance.

Every moment of your life, your accuser is filing charges against you. Even his name, Diabolos, means “slanderer.” Who is he? The devil.

As he speaks, you hang your head. You have no defense. His charges are fair. “I plead guilty, your honor,” you mumble.

“The sentence?” Satan asks.

“The wages of sin is death,” explains the judge, “but in this case the death has already occurred. For this one died with Christ.”

Satan is suddenly silent. And you are suddenly jubilant. You realize that Satan cannot accuse you. No one can accuse you! Fingers may point and voices may demand, but the charges glance off like arrows hitting a shield. No more dirty dishwater. No more penance. No more nagging sisters. You have stood before the judge and heard him declare, “Not guilty."

watching the candle flicker out in the evening glow

i was thinking of secondary school times and chuckled upon remembering how we wanted to form a band back then, in the height of the boyband craze and all the various teenybopper singers we used to listen to. if i'm not mistaken, we wanted to name ourselves "ten points offshore", though i can't quite recall the reason behind the name. good thing nothing ever came of it, though, because we realized that in its abbreviated form, tenPOS, it could quite easily be misinterpreted as "ten pieces of shit". hahaha. anyway, those days were fun. the days when i used to lug my guitar to school in lieu of a backpack (strange how we never seemed to study back then, don't you think?), where we would hang around in the classroom during recess poring over scores and lyrics and belting out songs. the times of my jordan knight craze (yes, i still think "give it to you" is a fab pop song, in case you were wondering). those were awesome times!

and i remember this song by bbmak was one of our favorites - in fact, it's a song i like very much still. sadly, it rings pretty true as well.

***
what am i supposed to do
with all these blues
haunting me, everywhere, no matter what I do
watching the candle flicker out in the evening glow
i can't let go
when will this night be over

i didn't mean to fall in love with you
and baby, there's a name for what you put me through
it isn't love, it's robbery
i'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me

seen a lot of broken hearts go sailing by
phantom ships, lost at sea
and one of them is mine
raising my glass, i sing a toast to the midnight sky
i wonder why
the stars don't seem to guide me

the ghost of you and me
when will it set me free
i hear the voices call
following footsteps down the hall
trying to save what's left of my heart and soul
***

stop breathing if i don't see you any more

a busy, busy week looms ahead. two exams, both for courses i don't really care about (they're pretty much just filler courses i took to maintain full-time student status). there's history on tuesday and i need to look up all the names of people and places and somehow regurgitate them during the 50-minute exam. kind of pointless, if you ask me. thankfully i'll be done with my geosci minicourse on thursday after the final exam then - i always had an intense dislike for physical geography in rjc and i don't think anything's changed since then. polsci research and data entry needs to be done, i really need to get moving on that. it's quite tedious but i suppose it feeds my olympic weightlifting habit (at least it'll help cover the cost of gas). most importantly i really need to get down to work on my polsci honors thesis. i've been putting that off for way, way too long, which is scary considering the first draft is due march 3. there's still a considerable chunk of writing in the last section which i need to get down to. that being said, i'm looking forward to spring break (and taking off from a week of school). i just need to leave ann arbor and the mess this term has been for a bit, if only for two weeks, and return to familiarity.

girl you caught me completely off guard
on the night you said to me
i just don't love you no more

Hombres G - There Is

i know it's the worst day of the year to think about this, but i remember you telling me that you never wanted to see me hurt the way you'd been hurt by someone else before

This vacation’s useless, these white pills are gone
I’ve given a lot of thought on this 13 hour drive
I missed the grinded concrete where we sat past 8 or 9
Slowly finished laughing in the glow of our head lights
I’ve given a lot of thought to the nights we used to have
The days have come and gone, our lives went by so fast
I faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor
Where I laid and told you but you swore you loved me more
Do you care if I don’t know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me?
Will I shake this off, pretend it's all ok?
That there’s someone out there who feels just like me… there is
Those notes you wrote me I’ve kept them all
I’ve given a lot of thought on how to write you back this fall
With every single letter in every single word
There will be a hidden message about a boy that loves a girl

i needed the reminder...

“Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

1 Corinthians 13:6-7

Oceanside, CA

I flew into San Diego this afternoon to attend a CrossFit Level 1 Certification which begins tomorrow at Camp Pendleton Marine Corps Base. The first thing that struck me when I reached California was the abundant sunshine and balmy temperatures - as always, a welcome change from the frigidity of Michigan. Somehow the lady at Enterprise Car Rental managed to wheedle me into renting a gleaming white '07 Kia Sportage SUV (I know, I know... but it handles well) for the three days I'd be here. I should have rented the Dodge Caliber instead - I've always thought it looked interesting, if not a vehicle that I'd want to drive in the long term - and it was probably cheaper. Oh well. I drove up I-5 to my hotel at Oceanside, CA, spent some time unloading, checking in, and expressing dismay at the high gas prices here, which were around twenty to thirty cents higher per gallon compared to back in Ann Arbor. I dropped in at CrossFit Encinitas, about twenty minutes south of Oceanside, to check out the facility and join the 5:00 pm class. The workout was simple but good - 3 sets of 5 shoulder presses, followed by a metcon component that comprised 3 rounds of 15 24-inch box jumps, 15 Russian KB swings with a 24 kg KB, and 15 ball slams with a 20# D-ball. After that, we did 5 sets of dead hang pullups to failure and practiced Turkish getups with a KB.

On my way back up north to Oceanside, I decided to drop by Pollos Maria, a hole-in-the-wall Mexican place that specialized in charbroiled chicken. I had made up my mind to sample some authentic Mexican food while I was in Southern California, and a search on Yelp.com revealed this well-reviewed gem. I ordered a fish taco (I've heard you simply have to try fish tacos while you're in the San Diego area), a veggie taco, and a sweet tamale to go, and drove back up to Oceanside, parked a ways from the beach, walked down, and savored dinner amidst the cool night air and the sound of the crashing waves of the Pacific. Oceanside seems to be a favorite of skater kids too, and as I was eating at a stone table by the beach, a gangly kid in skater garb told me to join him and his friends for drinks and more food if I hadn't had enough by the time I was done. Pollos Maria more than did the job, however (the fish taco was especially lovely, and it was my first time eating a tamale flavored with juicy chunks of pineapple and raisins), but I must say the casual invitation proffered by the youth really did make my day. Especially when I'd spent much of the rest of the day alone and had found it difficult to keep my mind from wandering towards the thoughts that had been plaguing me for a good while now. After dinner, I spent some time on the streets of Oceanside, dodging vehicles to cross the streets, and soaking in the atmosphere of the town. There were numerous watering holes, most of them seedy-looking -interspersed with military outfitters and barber shops who presumably catered to the large number of Marine servicemen in the vicinity. I wandered around for a bit, noticing the disproportionately large number of males who sported flat-top haircuts, before returning to my car and driving back to the inn. I'm looking forward to Day 1 of the CrossFit Level 1 Cert tomorrow. Imagine, seven full hours' worth of technique, skill instruction, and workouts! I'm pretty psyched.