it's the first day of september! prelims are, err... well, about a week and a day away?
shit.

i've been in week five mode for like, one hell of a time.

anyway yeah. this is the ultimate mugging week! no internet after this! whoops.

have you ever experienced a situation where you kinda find that your morals are being slowly eroded away by the people around you- your community and yeah, basically the folks you spend the bulk of your time with. err besides parents, i meant. i guess that's what's been happening to me. some of my ideals have gotten warped and i'm finding that there are things that i now deem acceptable just because it's mainstream-- stuff that i wouldn't have condoned before this mindset switch.

and i've gone into things i know i shouldn't be going into.

anyway there's a particular issue that's been on my mind for about a month or so. initially i thought it was gonna be all sorted out, but somehow or other that just didn't happen. instead i've seemed to be circling around eternally. and right now i'm at a sort of crossroads. where the next decision i make dictates whether i climb or fall. pooooo.

i had a talk with josh at pacific coffee in parkway before service yesterday. i guess it's been something i've been putting off for a real long time. since weeks back i've been promising to email him but somehow or other i couldn't bring myself to give it up and say what i've been going through. it gets unbearably mortifying at times as well. and now it's gotten to this point where i really can't hold on any longer. there's not really anyone much i can talk to about this stuff... but i guess it just came naturally to talk to josh because yeah, i guess he'd be able to help me with this. so i did, and he did.

we talked some more after service (at spinelli, this time. -- umm guess what? i heard "i could never take the place of your man" there! way cool!) and i guess that helped clear my mind (together with a divinely applicable sermon-- thanks, God!). i guess what's leading me to hold on and not let go is the prospect of gratification. in more ways than one. that's the motivation behind the situation. it's a struggle. and i know my decision is gonna hurt certain people real deeply. i'm sorry, but that's what i've got to do. i've got to be objective and understand fully the consequences that will result after this decision.

still struggling. the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak . i'm taking this one step at a time. it helps to know that there are people around who truly care about you. feels great.

it's a case of mind over matter.