time manipulates your heart preconceptions torn apart begin to doubt my state of mind

but i won't go down on what i said i won't retract convictions read i may perplex but i'm not blind

today was, to put it frankly, shit.
rainy morning which dampened my mood immediately.
at least taboo smackdown was fun. sometimes i'm really thankful for 2a13a. maybe i haven't treasured you guys enough but i will now.
the dratted dreary lectures and tutorials in all their mundane glory.
crap.
yongtaufoo stall owner on a hiatus! what an absolute calamity. but nothing compared to everything else.
math tutorial. i don't know. i ought to be glad that for once i'm on track and maybe even ahead in math, my most hated subject, but somehow i was so spent during the tutorial. as in, i just couldn't be bothered.
screw that.
so f*cked during the canal run. damn i suspect i've got gastric and the pain was awful.
oh god, weights. going through the repetitive motions of loading, lifting, releasing, resting.

and then i heard some things i'd be better off not knowing.
how long can i possibly live in denial? how much longer can i go on thinking that it'll happen when the sad f*cking truth is that it won't? oh for god's sake snap out of it you ass.

so take all this noise into your brain and send it back again i'll bear the cost, shed my skin, call you up and then i'll say the words out loud

but there's one thing i need to know.
where are you? where have you been? everything was good a month ago. i could have gone on like that. but all of a sudden it's snatched away just like that. you say nothing's changed. but from the look of it, things have. do you have to keep me in the dark like that? what happened? can't we even talk any more? there's this distance between us and try as i might, i can't seem to bridge it. you're just too far away.
f*ck i can handle it. come on, hit me with the stinging reality. i'll take it as it is, and i'll try my best to pretend that i'm fine. really.

you could resurrect a thousand words to deceive me more and more a thousand words will give the reasons why i don't need you anymore

there's this gaping void in my life that's growing day by day. bloody hell. what's f*cking changed?

maybe you can't lose what you never had.

i'll say the words out loud i'll say a thousand words or more

just as long as you know that i'll never forget. though it was all in the space of a few fleeting weeks. thank you for those moments. the conversations, the walks. even the silence, when words weren't necessary. can we ever go back there? i don't know. could we possibly?

manipulation. fabrication. conversation. annihilation.
i'll say a thousand words or more

damnation. frustration. elevation. procreation.
i'll say a thousand words or more

a thousand words will give the reasons why i don't need you anymore.

i can't believe the way
your love has got a hold on me
each morning i wake to find you near
you lift me above my fears
and set my feet on solid ground
all of my days belong to you

and i breathe in your breath of life
that fills my heart
you are my all consuming fire

i stand here before you
in wide open wonder
amazed at the glory of you
the power of heaven
revealing your purpose in me
as i'm reaching for you

hillsong \\reaching for you

***

was just reminded of this awesome song a few days back. haven't heard it in quite a while but it was one of my favorites and i guess it still is. ah. finally i've got a day of rest tomorrow! there hasn't been a single day when i haven't had training in one form or another. phew what a life! but i'm fine with it. it's pretty satisfying. especially early morning training. it starts my day off just right and besides i got to skip the massive attire check that befell the entire school on monday. you'd see everyone in a flurry trying to stuff their drawstrings into their skirts, hastily removing a myriad of miniscule, oddly-shaped items from their earlobes, tidying up their hair (which means a spot of frantic flattening for me, especially) and generally looking unusually neat and proper.

after the attire check teacher walks away though, blouses are tugged out, skirts mysteriously ascend to show more of the knee than is supposed to, the metal items to their initial positions, and my irrepressible hair makes its way skywards again. this process never fails to repeat itself without much variation whenever the dreaded time comes around again.

ugh there's phototaking later. at least it's a pretty short day, nonetheless. be going for my canal run and doing the legs programme later. sighhh i'd better make the most out of tomorrow's rest!

is it love tonight
when everyone's dreaming
of a better life
in this world
divided by fear
we've gotta believe that
there's a reason we're here
there's a reason we're here

'cause these are the days worth living
these are the years we're given
and these are the moments
these are the times
let's make the best out of our lives

see the truth all around
our faith can be broken
and our hands can be bound
but open our hearts and fill up the emptiness
with nothing to stop us
is it not worth the risk
is it not worth the risk

'cause these are the days worth living
these are the years we're given
and these are the moments
these are the times
let's make the best out of our lives

even if hope was shattered
i know it wouldn't matter
'cause these are the moments
these are the times
let's make the best out of our lives

we can't go wrong
thinking it's wrong
to speak our minds
i've gotta let out what's inside

is it love tonight
when everyone's dreaming
but can we get it right
yeah but can we get it right

'cause these are the days worth living
these are the years we're given
and these are the moments
these are the times
let's make the best out of our lives

even if hope was shattered
i know it wouldn't matter
'cause these are the moments
these are the times
let's make the best out of our lives

the calling \\our lives

Hauntingly, achingly beautiful.

***
somebody said they saw you
the person you were kissing wasn't me
and i would never ask you
i just kept it to myself

i don't wanna know
if you're playing me, keep it on the low
'cause my heart can't take it anymore
and if you're creeping, please don't let it show
oh baby, i don't wanna know

oh baby
i think about it when i hold you
when looking in your eyes, i can't believe
i don't need to know the truth
baby keep it to yourself

i don't wanna know
if you're playing me, keep it on the low
'cause my heart can't take it anymore
and if you're creeping, please don't let it show
oh baby, i don't wanna know

did he touch you better then me (touch you better then me)
did he watch you fall asleep (watch you fall asleep)
did you show him all those things that you used to do to me (do to me baby)
if you're better off that way (better off that way)
baby what i like to say (all that i can say)
go on and do your thing and don't come back to me
(stay away from me baby)

i don't wanna know where your whereabouts or how you movin
i know when you in the house or when you cruisin
it's been proven, my love you abusin
i can't understand, how a man got you choosin (yeah)
undecided, i came and provided ma
my undivided, you came and denied it (why)
don't even try it, i know when you lyin (i know when you lyin)
don't even do that, i know why you cryin (stop cryin)
i'm not applyin no pressure, just wanna let you know
that i don't wanna let you go (i don't wanna let you go)
and i don't wanna let you leave
can't say i didn't let you breathe
gave you extra cheese (c'mon), put you in the SUV
you wanted ice so i made you freeze
made you hot like the West Indies (that's right)
now it's time you invest in me
'cause if not then it's best you leave
holla, yeah

i don't wanna know
if you're playing me, keep it on the low
'cause my heart can't take it anymore
and if you're creeping, please don't let it show
oh baby, i don't wanna know


mario winans ft. p.diddy i don't wanna know
***