thanks philip for inadvertently making my econs 's' paper much more bearable by telling me that makaay scored a hat-trick in bayern munich's 4-0 rout of ajax just before the paper started! it's been a long while since they showed any hint of brilliance against one of the noted european teams. suddenly things are looking much better for bayern and germany (after that 1-1 draw with brazil). excellent.

man i have vivid memories of makaay's hat-trick against bayern two years ago, the morning just hours before my e math prelim paper. he totally screwed me up then, being only the second player to put three past oliver kahn (the first being michael owen in germany's disgraceful 5-1 loss to england).

well i DO like the way he's making amends for that, though. go number ten!
***

Roy hammers hat-trick at the right end



29.09.2004
In a couple of short seasons, Roy Makaay has put the Bayern loyalists through a roller-coaster of the emotions, from profound depression to total rapture. Almost exactly two years ago, at the same time and in the same competition, the Dutch ace fired his single previous hat-trick at the Olympic stadium, only for the "wrong" team.

Back then, Munich's Champions League dream came crashing down in a 3-2 defeat to La Coruna, but on Tuesday evening the Netherlands hitman almost single handedly returned the 2001 winners to centre stage in the European game. "He blew us away with La Coruna then, and he did it to his fellow countrymen tonight," Uli Hoeneß said with a grin afterwards, "and that's why we bought him. "

Makaay set a rousing Champions League evening in motion after 28 minutes. "Owen Hargreaves delivered a long ball, and I had the half second or so you need to let off a shot. I wondered what I should do, lob or shoot. Then I decided for the latter, and I reckon it was the right idea," the player said, describing a sensational 20 metre thunderbolt in typically dry fashion.

"That was a really acrobatic display. The way he brings down and controls the ball is something I've never seen in my long career," deeply impressed coach Felix Magath said in admiration of the goal-getter's skill.

Magath's Ajax counterpart Ronald Koeman was angry with his defence. "I told my players before the match always to keep a man behind Makaay. If I look at the opener, I have to say none of them was listening to me. " Makaay struck again shortly before and after the break with a header and a penalty to seal his fellow countrymen's defeat, drawing words of the highest praise from the visiting coach. "He's put on a superb demonstration today." Makaay now has 10 goals in 10 Champions League appearances for the Reds.

The 29 year-old would dearly like to apply his deadly finishing skills to the Dutch national cause, but new coach Marco van Basten seems determined to follow his predecessors' practice and relegate the striker to a substitute role. Makaay will be thrilled at turning in such a potent display against Amsterdam, although he insisted afterwards his priorities were his club and his personal goals, "not some third party somewhere else."

Fortunately for Bayern fans everywhere, super striker Makaay now turns out for the "right" team.

***

feels like you made a mistake
you made somebody's heart break
but now i have to let you go
i have to let you go

you left a stain on every one of my good days
but i am stronger than you know
i have to let you go
no one's ever turned you over
no one's tried
to ever let you down
beautiful girl- bless your heart

i've got a disease
deep inside me
makes me feel uneasy
i can't live without you
tell me what am i supposed to do about it
keep your distance from it
don't pay no attention to me
i've got a disease

feels like you're making a mess
you're hell on wheels in a black dress
you drove me to the fire
and left me there to burn

every little thing you do is tragic
all my life before was magic
beautiful girl- i can't breathe

i think that i'm sick
but leave me be
while my world is coming down on me
you taste like honey, honey
tell me can i be your honeybee
be strong keep telling myself
that it won't take long till
i'm free of my disease

matchboxtwenty disease

i just couldn't help reminiscing- especially after rowing at macritchie on friday evening and watching the sun set progressively over the course of our last kilometre, till all that remained were the bright blinking lights in the distance, and the quiet motion of our paddles entering, the strong pull, and then the withdrawal with nary a sound. awesome. remembering the way it all used to be, not that long ago. somehow it's not the same without everyone else, and i know we can never go back to that. Memories, sure. but that's all they can ever be, now.

on a lighter note,
i promise i'll upload the rest of the photos after prelims!

the Raffles K2 rowers- this one's for you!


[RJC 13 500m / RJC 13 1000m/ RJC 12 1000m/ RJC 19 500m]
L-R weiqi shine fengyi leqi sheryl mag jingting youjia

when you close your eyes
takeaminutetakeamoment
realise
do you see me when you fantasize
tonight'll be your night

i'm just sitting here daydreamingaboutyou
and allthethingsyoudo
girl, feels so right
and all i know is you're the one for me
that special kinda' lady
in my life, in my life

finally changed my layout after years. please read the disclaimer on the left before bombarding me with pointed remarks. thank you very much.

three days of the prelims have passed- somehow the papers have generally been decent so far. i can't expect too much of math but at least it was a paper i could do for once. econs p3 was pretty good, seeing that my deficiency of knowledge with regards to macroeconomic policy, which i just couldn't force down my throat, wasn't exactly very detrimental. three hours of phygeog today has not been very kind to my hand. i've got a total of six more three-hour long papers, including a day with two of those killers, which is not a thought i'd like to entertain right now. went to the toa payoh clubfitt gym after the paper, hoping to be able to save myself from deteriorating further into a lumpy mass. was looking forward to it at first, until i stepped into the gym. man that gym totally sucks. so damn pissed with all the creaky old machines with putrid smells and peroxide blonde old faggots who kept hogging all the free weights and preening into the mirrors that i left after only bench press and upright row. what a stupid waste of a dollar fifty! (at least the ticketing lady was nice and gave me student rate since i was in school uniform). the rowing machine was damn cranky too. i had to coax it out of its slumber and somehow the seat was wobbly and the metal chain entirely rusted.

to top it all off, the gym instructor on duty bore an uncanny resemblance to ahmad.

and so i decided to leave as fast as possible.

think i'll stick to bishan gym. so far it's been the safest place. i hope that doesn't change.


you can be my brown eyed beauty.

still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
still a little bit of you, laced with my doubt
still a little hard to say what's going on

still a little bit of your ghost, your witness
still a little bit of your face, i haven't kissed
you step a little closer each day
still i can't say what's going on

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to lie
life taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball

it isn't hard to fall, at all.

i watched the men's allaround gym finals yesterday and paul hamm was a true inspiration. normally you'd think that after screwing up your fourth event with a dismal score of 9.1 caused by lurching into the judges' table after an awful landing from vault, there'd be no chance for a medal, much less the gold. usually there wouldn't be anything left to compete for, you'd reason that it wouldn't be possible to get back into the running after that horrific mistake. hamm was twelvth after four rotations, which left him with only parallel bars and high bar to redeem his olympic dream. but hamm pulled off one of the most electrifying parallel bars routine i'd ever seen immediately after his vault, which earned him 9.837 points and rocketed him into fourth place, within reach of the top three. and a similarly powerfully inspirational high bar routine (three releases! with the one-armed giant swing! god.) was enough to propel him past the koreans and back to the place where he belonged- the top spot.
the true spirit of a sportsman- it's never over till the end. and he thoroughly deserves his victory. i'm inspired.

Hamm's victory was high drama
By Jill Lieber, USA TODAY


ATHENS — When he walked over to the high bar at Olympic Indoor Hall, the final gymnast in the final event of the men's gymnastics all-around competition Wednesday, Paul Hamm had no idea he needed to score more than 9.825 to pull himself out of fourth place and take home the gold medal. What he had in his mind after he crash-landed on the vault two events earlier was that he needed to pull off the performances of his life to even get the bronze. So Hamm took a deep breath and began swinging powerfully through the air, executing his technically difficult routine and then nailing his landing. When his score came up — 9.837 — he still wasn't sure if it would be enough. And even after the arena scoreboard retabulated the scores, and his coach, Miles Avery, screamed, "Olympic champion!" Hamm couldn't quite compute what had just happened. "I looked at Miles and said, 'Olympic champion? No way!' " a still-stunned Hamm said an hour later. "I really had thought gold was totally out of the question."

In one of the most dramatic comebacks in sports, with the closet margin of victory, 0.012, in Olympic history, Hamm, 21, of Waukesha, Wis., became a U.S. men's gymnastics legend.

An hour after the event was over, Hamm was still trying to fathom what had just happened.
"After I missed the vault, I thought there was no chance for gold," Hamm said. "I thought maybe a bronze. I was very upset and depressed, because I knew that all-around was my best chance for winning the gold. When the score came up and Miles yelled, 'Olympic champion,' I was still shocked, because I just didn't think it was possible. How could it be possible?"

Hamm had come to Athens as the reigning world champion, filled with high expectations, billed with lots of media fanfare. He showed strength, power, creativity and consistency throughout the qualifications and team finals. All along he had said if he hit all six events, there was no question the all-around title would be his.

On the night's first event, the floor exercise, Hamm made a statement, his solid tumbling earning 9.725 to put him into first place, tied with China's Yang Wei, the 2000 Olympic and 2003 world silver medalist. He followed with a 9.7 on the pommel horse, although Wei snuck past him on the still rings to take a .037 lead. Next it was Hamm's turn on the rings, his weakest event, and he scored a solid 9.587, celebrating with a pinpoint landing and pumped fists. Wei dipped on the vault (9.512), and Hamm took over first by .038.

And then disaster struck. Hamm didn't rotate enough on his vault, which caused him to sit down on the landing and almost fall off the podium, nearly hitting a judge. He appeared to have fallen out of medal contention in one fell swoop, scoring 9.137 and dropping to 12th.
"I just didn't get enough power off the vault," he said. "I landed to the side and couldn't withstand the impact, and I fell over."
A collective gasp, then murmurs, swept through the hall. Hamm sat on a chair on the sideline adjacent to the vault runway, stunned and forlorn, staring silently into space, figuring his shot at U.S. men's gymnastics immortality was gone.
First up on the next event, parallel bars, Hamm pulled off a great routine — his handstand positions were solid and very extended. His double-pike dismount was the period at the end of his never-say-die sentence. Some of the leaders who followed him on the parallel bars had problems, but the last man in the event, Korea's Yang, stuck a 9.775 and took over first place.

Elsewhere in the arena, the gymnasts in sixth through 11th place started faltering, too. All of that helped rocket Hamm into fourth place — and put him in striking distance on the high bar, his strongest event. "I'm very happy right now," Hamm said. "I was so angry at myself after I'd missed the vault. I had worked years for that moment, and it all went down the drain.

"And then I had the best performance of my life on high bar. I'm proud of myself. I realized my dream. And I never, never, never gave up."
***

***
i feel so unsure
as i take your hand
and lead you to the dance floor
as the music dies
something in your eyes
calls to mind a silver screen
and all its sad goodbyes

i'm never gonna dance again
guilty feet have got no rhythm
though it's easy to pretend
i know you're not a fool
i should have known better than to cheat a friend
and waste a chance that i've been given
so i'm never gonna dance again
the way i danced with you

time can never mend
the careless whisper of a good friend
to the heart and mind
ignorance is kind
there's no comfort in the truth
pain is all you'll find

tonight the music seems so loud
i wish that we could lose this crowd
maybe it's better this way
we'd hurt each other with the things we want to say
we could have been so good together
we could have lived this dance forever
but now who's gonna dance with me
please stay

now that you've gone
now that you've gone
now that you've gone
was what i did so wrong
so wrong that you had to leave me alone

george michael :: careless whisper
***

oh snap outta it. what an ass i am.
but is it a sin to keep hoping?

in the computer lab now after a damn slack human geog lesson- just finished an awful econs essay-cum-drq during econs tutorial just now (i swear, sowden can be really slack at times but when he gets going its workworkwork all the way) and i've got a math quiz later, which i'm positively sure i'm going to flunk. oh god my lower back aches like crazy, a product of doing 4 sets of 15back extensions clasping a 10kg plate in the weights room yesterday. but yeah it nails the abs and the back at the same time. my calves are screaming out too from calf presses yesterday. gosh. and i heard something that quite aptly summed up my passion for doing weights/ working out, coming from a rugger (if you have to hear it from anyone, it's gotta be a rugger) when he was talking to a j1 guy canoeist :" it's like a fucking addiction".

oh boy i couldn't agree any better.
hell yeah it's like a fucking addiction.

haha there're national squad time trials this week- man isn't it crazy? how'd they expect us to maintain our peak for three weeks, spanning nationals to scf to trials? it's damn crazy la. especially since there isn't anymore school training now and all we've got are our own sessions, and we've cut down on morning training at macritchie due to the lack of time. and the timings to make it to the elite team anyway scf on sat/sun was a great way to cap off the competitive season for 2004. our heat on sat was total crap. i have no idea why i thought it was a false start, so we stopped very nicely in the middle of the race (remember its only 250m, no time to stop man!), looked back, went "oh SHIT" and continued the race. yeahh. well at least we still managed to come in 2nd. semis were marginally better, at least we didn't stop this time. and the funny thing was that the hc boat with chian lin was in lane1 while we were in lane2- which is ALWAYS the case-it's really quite hilarious at how we inevitably meet each other no matter what distances we race in. finals we re so damn close! we won by a hair's breadth. oh man. i'm quite sure it was a rather spectacular race to watch too because the 5 boats came in within 2seconds of each other. anyway nic and melissa came down (it's nice finally seeing you, for the first time, nic) hahaha!

finally i've found the time to get back to this blog and reminisce about nationals. it's been almost a week since finals, and a week since heats. man. i'd like to thank the seniors for coming down to support us- the j3s and the j4s and perhaps more (though i may not know every single one of you, thanks for coming back and showing us that the call of raffles canoeing remains strong even after you've left). the support was incredible. especially to people like benedict, justin, huilin and lynn. you guys have done so much for our batch- continually motivating, supporting us, since you all have the wealth of experience garnered from competing yourselves. also tremendous thankyous to the j1s who didn't compete but came down to provide the logistics support, carrying paddles, transporting boats, bringing food... i'm sure all the j2s are really grateful for you guys. it'll be your turn to compete next year- carry on the legacy that we and our seniors have left.

i guess thinking back right now about the finals race- it's kinda weird reminiscing about it. i have nothing much to say except for the fact that i think it's the best i've ever rowed. every inch of me, every breath straining towards the finish line. before the start of the race my mind was a complete blank, and i was entirely focused on rowing the best race of my life. winning was secondary, doing my absolute best foremost. and i'm glad that i have absolutely no regrets about that race. definitely it hit me hard that i wasn't able to clinch the gold, but i guess that's part and parcel of life and canoeing. you win some, you lose some. the pair from acjc, winny and jasmine, totally deserved their gold, anyway. i must say that they rowed a very inspired race, giving it all they had, and such opponents are definitely worthy of respect. congratulations.

i guess i've come out of nationals (and canoeing) learning so much more than i'd ever imagined i would. i'm glad that after nationals the canoeists from different schools can finally set aside their rivalries and i can get to know people for who they really are. to HC canoeists- man! we've always thought you people were great! but having to compete against each other on so many occasions kinda hampered us in getting to know you better. anyway i'm glad to have known you all, and hopefully we can all meet again sometime! to SR canoeists- haha wow i didn't know that some of you went to my church- i kinda got a shock when i saw you ppl there- thanks for the support and encouragement especially prior to and immediately after my race. even though we're not from the same school i'm really touched that you guys put aside school loyalties to egg us on during the finals. thank you so much. to MJ canoeists- haha training with you guys has been quite an experience! haha thanks for the support.. train hard and you guys will definitely do real well in all the races to come.

oh shucks the bell's rung for gp class. i'll blog about the rest sometime soon if not i'll be late and evans won't be very pleased with me. haha.

oh god. final land training yesterday and that realization only struck me when it was over. when i was dumping my workout gloves and weights logbook into my locker and it dawned on me that i'd never have to use those if i didn't want to, ever again. i wouldn't ever need to bust my ass off doing 110pds/10reps for lat pulldowns, bench 86/30 till the lactic acid builds up and explodes, or knot raffia for string roll (which we had affectionately christened 'spring roll' in futile attempts to make the prospect of that exercise somewhat more bearable), or do nauseating 4x1.6km intervals at 5pm ever again. yeah. so is this how it ends?
 
philip's right- part of me, like him, does yearn for days when i can be lazy. after one plus years of committment to this sport i love, i've almost forgotten what it's like to go home early when school ends instead of training till dusk, eat anything and everything i want (okay perhaps i've attained moksha when it comes to this, hahaha quan!) and generally have all the time on my hands especially on weekends to blow. but i don't think that'll suit me. i just can't give up what i've gained over the past year. i can't go back.
 
i'll miss the training sessions-  seeing gs do her rubbish vibrations during weights, being suaned by weiqi and vania, our team runs, our circuit trainings, ab work (in which gs vibrates (AND gyrates) awfully, again),  next-day-wake-up-with-hellish-backache 4-3-2-3-4 kayak rotations. Going to kallang gym and being buaya-ed by stupid mat bodybuilders (there you go, vania!). pullup trials under the watchful eye of huilin. 6k runs to the esplanade and back, following the oft-frequented route by shine and her fellow apple-eater. collective groans from the entire team upon hearing that jiao lian wanted us to run before training. rowing 4 2ks and countless 500s and getting all sunburned and parched under the merciless sun. complaining about the oilspills and dead animal carcasses at kallang. hating wakeboarders and speedboats to the core for delaying our launching. doing weird things like one-stroke starts. the thrill and exhilaration of racing and being in a k2 that flies.
 
our team dinners and team outings- stayover at zhen's house with sharksfin soup and pizza and deutscher fussball on tv to boot, yami yogurt and subway saturdays with sheryl, gs and the rest, and not too long ago cheesefries wednesdays (okay i admit!) LAST YEAR after training. team dinner after southernislands expedition when the dessert vanished from the plate within twelve seconds after having arrived at the table, carol being the main culprit. weiqi being mock-impaled with a greasy pork rib knife from kenny rogers' by gs. taking rubbish photos at the esplanade, most notably the shot of me gesturing at gs's ample chest which was nicely illuminated by a ray of light. psycheup session at lyd's house with nail-painting exploits pre-sdba,  slicing our own leftover bananas from dragonboat competition onto the waffles at cafe cartel, which carol promptly devoured, being none the wiser. those hilariously raucous team chats at fuzion or tcc, which inevitably always culminated in a most undistinguished array of candid photographs being taken amidst the forore, which would, upon close examination later, prove to be most incriminating. (how can i ever forget the shot of gs's inflated assets HAHAHA) mag urging vania not to  attempt to "make a mountain out of a molehill" in perhaps undisguised reference to the aforementioned assets.      
 
the team. zhen sheryl gs mag weiqi shine lyd vania leqi carol. the ten of you mean so, so  much to me. inexplicably, i'll miss suaning and being suaned. i'll miss the training together, running together, rowing together. the encouragement, the spirit that's lacking in other teams but most definitely not in ours.  the guys team. though our teams mightn't be as close as we'd have preferred them to be, we're still all raffles canoeists together and that's what really matters.
 
a week to finals, and then i won't know what to make of everything.  i'm relishing the idea of competing, but then again, i'm dreading the time when everything'll be over. i might cry. i don't know. when it finally fully sinks in that i've rowed my last race as a raffles canoeist.
 
oh well. Till then.

*  *  *

RAFFLES CANOEING

batch of 2003-2004

 

*  *  *

 
===================================
you said it was like this
i was torn between two worlds
one full of promise
and the truth i knew would hurt
you say i'm no angel
trying to put the past behind
 
so now i try to find
a place to leave all
memories in my mind

we try, our lives away
then stumble into the grave
we cry, and still they stay
the past won't go away
the story of my life
 
see i was just thinking
now my life is on the road
the straight and the narrow
on the route that i've been showed
you know it's not easy
to try to change your ways
 
so now i try to find
a place to leave all
memories in my mind

we try, our lives away
then stumble into the grave
we cry, and still they stay
the past won't go away
the story of my life
 
a place to leave all
memories in my mind
 
we try, our lives away
then stumble into the grave
we cry, and still they stay
the past won't go away
the story of my,
try, our lives away
then stumble into the grave
we cry, and still they stay
the past won't go away

the story of my life
\\ kristian leontiou

 

hey check this website out. it's freaking hilarious. apparently it's the website of the weird eyebrow plucking guy who roams around outside tangs, pouncing from behind corners to accost unwitting victims. i remember encountering him once last year with charm and he tried to wheedle us into plucking our eyebrows *sheesh. now he's a guy who's thoroughly strange. grossly inflated ego to boot as well.

doing some last minute research for my religion presentation on jehovah's witnesses for tmr. so awfully busy! and nationals are in two or so weeks... which seems rather near yet far away at the same time. actually i'll be really sad when it's all over. not gonna think about that right now..

CRASH : PUSH
***
crash
would you like me to forget myself
and lose myself
in you

push
just one push will do
then i`m overboard
drowning in you

i hear a whisper slowly and
soon our lips will be near
in between the day and night
i step into the blue twilight
catch me, darling
catch me

hold me back
i think i`m falling
over you
what did you do

help me now
i`m losing me
into you
what did you do

what did you do

walk
i walk a line that leads to you
waiting anticipating
desire has no safety
to lead you on the road
going crazy

i hear a whisper slowly and
soon our lips will be near

hold me back
i think i`m falling
over you
what did you do

help me now
i`m losing me
into you
what did you do

i hear you whisper darling
darling

in between the day and night
i step into the blue twilight
catch me, darling
catch me

hold me back
i think i`m falling
over you
what did you do

help me now
i`m losing me
into you
what did you do

what did you do
***
robi draco rosa \\ mad love

it's been a month plus since i blogged. but my computer hangs roughly every ten minutes so i haven't been going online much either. oh well. it's halftime now of eurofinals and i must say the greeks are doing an excellent job defensively. which is both good, and bad, as it'll be an awfully low-scoring game and i think it'll be decided either by silver goal or penalties. actually i'd quite like to see a penalty shootout because i want to see Ricardo the Lionhearted take off his gloves and perform his heroics again.

haha. 6-a-side futsal yesterday at ecp- it was a blast! first match walkover due to the no-show of our opponents. we were all secretly relieved! (okay so maybe it wasn't secretly, it was audibly). second match against bishan ite, the toughest team (probably) in the tournament. but we managed to hold them to a goalless draw! it was damn funny because i found myself right back just in front of the keeper. oh and sona the keeper pulled off some fantastic saves too. you go, girl! i think the bishan ppl were freaking frustrated after the match because they couldn't seem to find a way past the five defenders and the keeper(which was, actually, the entire team.) third match versus Wreckonin' United (what a mouthful!) manda's one-on-one with the keeper gave us the first goal and i scored (with my left foot!) the second. great game it was. tight defensively as well. but today was pretty disappointing as we let in one, just one fluke goal in our fourth match against the Tootsiepoops (okay this is starting to sound rather incredulous, but believe me, that was their team name. oh and by the way, we were Team Nutmeg. haha)we dominated the entire game, manda had a shot towards the left corner saved by their keeper, my first shot (with left foot again, went agonizingly wide past the right post) and yoke pean just missed heading from my crosses by a couple of centimetres. damn. but i was quite happy with my crosses from the corner! yeahhh.

oh well then. second half's started now! be back sometime.

time manipulates your heart preconceptions torn apart begin to doubt my state of mind

but i won't go down on what i said i won't retract convictions read i may perplex but i'm not blind

today was, to put it frankly, shit.
rainy morning which dampened my mood immediately.
at least taboo smackdown was fun. sometimes i'm really thankful for 2a13a. maybe i haven't treasured you guys enough but i will now.
the dratted dreary lectures and tutorials in all their mundane glory.
crap.
yongtaufoo stall owner on a hiatus! what an absolute calamity. but nothing compared to everything else.
math tutorial. i don't know. i ought to be glad that for once i'm on track and maybe even ahead in math, my most hated subject, but somehow i was so spent during the tutorial. as in, i just couldn't be bothered.
screw that.
so f*cked during the canal run. damn i suspect i've got gastric and the pain was awful.
oh god, weights. going through the repetitive motions of loading, lifting, releasing, resting.

and then i heard some things i'd be better off not knowing.
how long can i possibly live in denial? how much longer can i go on thinking that it'll happen when the sad f*cking truth is that it won't? oh for god's sake snap out of it you ass.

so take all this noise into your brain and send it back again i'll bear the cost, shed my skin, call you up and then i'll say the words out loud

but there's one thing i need to know.
where are you? where have you been? everything was good a month ago. i could have gone on like that. but all of a sudden it's snatched away just like that. you say nothing's changed. but from the look of it, things have. do you have to keep me in the dark like that? what happened? can't we even talk any more? there's this distance between us and try as i might, i can't seem to bridge it. you're just too far away.
f*ck i can handle it. come on, hit me with the stinging reality. i'll take it as it is, and i'll try my best to pretend that i'm fine. really.

you could resurrect a thousand words to deceive me more and more a thousand words will give the reasons why i don't need you anymore

there's this gaping void in my life that's growing day by day. bloody hell. what's f*cking changed?

maybe you can't lose what you never had.

i'll say the words out loud i'll say a thousand words or more

just as long as you know that i'll never forget. though it was all in the space of a few fleeting weeks. thank you for those moments. the conversations, the walks. even the silence, when words weren't necessary. can we ever go back there? i don't know. could we possibly?

manipulation. fabrication. conversation. annihilation.
i'll say a thousand words or more

damnation. frustration. elevation. procreation.
i'll say a thousand words or more

a thousand words will give the reasons why i don't need you anymore.

i can't believe the way
your love has got a hold on me
each morning i wake to find you near
you lift me above my fears
and set my feet on solid ground
all of my days belong to you

and i breathe in your breath of life
that fills my heart
you are my all consuming fire

i stand here before you
in wide open wonder
amazed at the glory of you
the power of heaven
revealing your purpose in me
as i'm reaching for you

hillsong \\reaching for you

***

was just reminded of this awesome song a few days back. haven't heard it in quite a while but it was one of my favorites and i guess it still is. ah. finally i've got a day of rest tomorrow! there hasn't been a single day when i haven't had training in one form or another. phew what a life! but i'm fine with it. it's pretty satisfying. especially early morning training. it starts my day off just right and besides i got to skip the massive attire check that befell the entire school on monday. you'd see everyone in a flurry trying to stuff their drawstrings into their skirts, hastily removing a myriad of miniscule, oddly-shaped items from their earlobes, tidying up their hair (which means a spot of frantic flattening for me, especially) and generally looking unusually neat and proper.

after the attire check teacher walks away though, blouses are tugged out, skirts mysteriously ascend to show more of the knee than is supposed to, the metal items to their initial positions, and my irrepressible hair makes its way skywards again. this process never fails to repeat itself without much variation whenever the dreaded time comes around again.

ugh there's phototaking later. at least it's a pretty short day, nonetheless. be going for my canal run and doing the legs programme later. sighhh i'd better make the most out of tomorrow's rest!

is it love tonight
when everyone's dreaming
of a better life
in this world
divided by fear
we've gotta believe that
there's a reason we're here
there's a reason we're here

'cause these are the days worth living
these are the years we're given
and these are the moments
these are the times
let's make the best out of our lives

see the truth all around
our faith can be broken
and our hands can be bound
but open our hearts and fill up the emptiness
with nothing to stop us
is it not worth the risk
is it not worth the risk

'cause these are the days worth living
these are the years we're given
and these are the moments
these are the times
let's make the best out of our lives

even if hope was shattered
i know it wouldn't matter
'cause these are the moments
these are the times
let's make the best out of our lives

we can't go wrong
thinking it's wrong
to speak our minds
i've gotta let out what's inside

is it love tonight
when everyone's dreaming
but can we get it right
yeah but can we get it right

'cause these are the days worth living
these are the years we're given
and these are the moments
these are the times
let's make the best out of our lives

even if hope was shattered
i know it wouldn't matter
'cause these are the moments
these are the times
let's make the best out of our lives

the calling \\our lives

Hauntingly, achingly beautiful.

***
somebody said they saw you
the person you were kissing wasn't me
and i would never ask you
i just kept it to myself

i don't wanna know
if you're playing me, keep it on the low
'cause my heart can't take it anymore
and if you're creeping, please don't let it show
oh baby, i don't wanna know

oh baby
i think about it when i hold you
when looking in your eyes, i can't believe
i don't need to know the truth
baby keep it to yourself

i don't wanna know
if you're playing me, keep it on the low
'cause my heart can't take it anymore
and if you're creeping, please don't let it show
oh baby, i don't wanna know

did he touch you better then me (touch you better then me)
did he watch you fall asleep (watch you fall asleep)
did you show him all those things that you used to do to me (do to me baby)
if you're better off that way (better off that way)
baby what i like to say (all that i can say)
go on and do your thing and don't come back to me
(stay away from me baby)

i don't wanna know where your whereabouts or how you movin
i know when you in the house or when you cruisin
it's been proven, my love you abusin
i can't understand, how a man got you choosin (yeah)
undecided, i came and provided ma
my undivided, you came and denied it (why)
don't even try it, i know when you lyin (i know when you lyin)
don't even do that, i know why you cryin (stop cryin)
i'm not applyin no pressure, just wanna let you know
that i don't wanna let you go (i don't wanna let you go)
and i don't wanna let you leave
can't say i didn't let you breathe
gave you extra cheese (c'mon), put you in the SUV
you wanted ice so i made you freeze
made you hot like the West Indies (that's right)
now it's time you invest in me
'cause if not then it's best you leave
holla, yeah

i don't wanna know
if you're playing me, keep it on the low
'cause my heart can't take it anymore
and if you're creeping, please don't let it show
oh baby, i don't wanna know


mario winans ft. p.diddy i don't wanna know
***

is that really the case? am i all that incapable of what i believed i was able to achieve before?

perhaps it was never me, maybe it was always them.

whatever it is, i never want to be perceived as latching on to someone and basking in undeserved glory. god i resent whatever he said. i'm going to row like anything, make it so that there'll never be any reason to say that ever again. i'm sorry. i have my pride, and faith in my ability, and i simply can't take those words lying down.

dammit the title is mine. ours. regardless of whether i have to push you for every stroke, scream myself hoarse, row till my back breaks, go through blood sweat and tears, press on despite the burning lactic acid, and even if i have to single-handedly propel the boat forwards with my last ounce of energy, i'll do it. whatever it takes. i'm not stopping at anything.

until we cross the finishing line, turn back, and know that we're first.

that's when i'll know i've finished the race, done my duty as a Raffles Canoeist, and, most of all, know that i've achieved what was my only goal all along.

it was a good feeling to be rowing at macritchie again. what a glorious way to have spent a sunday morning, in our beautiful k2, enjoying the tranquility of the freshwater (which is much more than you can say for kallang), doing ten kilometres at our super low frequency, and feeling the breeze as we do the return laps. i wouldn't mind doing this for a long time to come. nevertheless, it admittedly takes a lot of commitment after what we've heard today (weekday morning training from 0630 to 07++ hrs?) and there's always the all-important issue of studies. i'll give it my best shot and see how it goes.

but of course i am immensely thankful for this opportunity. all along it's been a dream? and now i'm one step closer to it. even though there are numerous inconveniences and headaches like the ever-problematic paddles (FOUR people -and counting- have already unwittingly grabbed on to my paddle shaft while on the bus, thinking it was a pole) and the issue of time. but i guess it's worth it.

and of course, thank you for the fantastic morning.

more photos along the right column under "painting the town red" ;)... mainly pictures of post-scf chillout at nydc and fuzion. haha. can't be bothered to blog anymore for now. ciao!

okay PHOTOS are finally uploaded - under raffles canoeing 03-04. or you can click here.

contains pictures from scf 1st nat'l jnr kayaking c'ships at macritchie on 27-28 march 2004. will be uploading post-c'ships photos soon! ugh uploading pics takes a hell of a long time. till then.

training today was pretty good! thanks sheryl. you know what i've told you... and yeah let's just keep that in mind and we'll both train hard. anyway we're both in the same boat when it comes to this (ugh how lame). thanks gs for the wonderful talk at ghim moh. i really enjoyed it and glad things are this way again. maybe we'll buy cheng tng for vania next week! to the whole girls team: man you lot make my life so much better. thanks for everything. and to you- haha nah you didn't dao me. it's your smile which keeps me going. though we're not k2ing together any longer (for now), what difference does it make? i know you'll always be there.

and so will i. let's go.

***
to the sunset of your glory where my heart and future lies
there's nothing like that feeling when i look into your eyes
***

you would know, it would be clear
that angels brought me here