It's been five months to the day...

... and I can finally bring myself to use this song, which pretty much says it all.

***
Now that it's all said and done
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down
Like an old abandoned house

What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath
I fell too far, was in way too deep
Guess I let you get the best of me

Well I never saw it coming
I should've started running a long, long time ago
And I never thought I'd doubt you
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know

I'm slowly getting closure
I guess it's really over
I'm finally getting better
And now I'm picking up the pieces
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together

'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through
I got over you

You took a hammer to these walls
Dragged the memories down the hall
Packed your bags and walked away
There was nothing I could say

And when you slammed the front door shut
A lot of others opened up
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me

Well I never saw it coming
I should've started running a long, long time ago
And I never thought I'd doubt you
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know

I'm slowly getting closure
I guess it's really over
I'm finally getting better
And now I'm picking up the pieces
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together

'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through
I got over you

Daughtry - Over You

***

It's interesting how this year has worked itself out so far. Looking back, it was a simply godawful start to 2008. I really don't think it could have been any worse. I lost so many of the things I thought I had - when relationships crumbled for no apparent reason, when some people I treasured so much had other ideas and turned away from me, when I was forced to leave the gym that had been an important part of my life. Throw into the mix a thesis that had to be completed, cognates that had to be finished, and the stress of a final semester as a senior undergraduate. It wasn't a pretty sight.

Thank God for the friends who stuck by me and offered their support - those who actually listened to my sorry tales and were there for me as I oscillated from bitter and angry to hopeful and trying my darndest to be cheerful and back again. I'm so incredibly blessed to have friends like these. I'm thankful also for the myriad of opportunities that sprang up in the wake of all the forgettable incidents that happened. If it hadn't been for those incidents, I would never had have the chances to do some of the diverse things that I've managed to do, or meet some of the cool people I've met, in the recent months.

School ended up turning out well, the thesis was duly completed, I achieved most, if not all, that I had hoped to achieve academically. CrossFit and training-wise, I believe I've improved markedly in all aspects despite not training at an affiliate (excluding the occasional visit to Motor City CrossFit at Sterling Heights, an hour's drive from Ann Arbor). My athletic performances at drop-in visits at other affiliates when I travel are proof yet again that maybe I was wrong in thinking that I HAD to fork out $199 a month to be able to keep my CrossFit fire stoked. It really does boil down to individual motivation and desire, and that's something that no one can take away from me.

***
Fall seven times, stand up eight.
- Japanese Proverb

The last thing you said before you walked out of my life...

"There's such a thing as loving too much."

I guess I just didn't know any other way to love you.


***
Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you're frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melted into the ground
Found something true
And everyone's looking round
Thinking I'm going crazy

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling

But nothing's greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I'm going crazy, maybe, maybe

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

And it's draining all of me
Oh, they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see

I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
***
Leona Lewis - Keep Bleeding

almost done

Brought my Rogue rings to a playground at one of the elementary schools in Ann Arbor, tossed the straps over (ironically enough) a mounted ring set, and worked on some ring skills this morning. Rings are humbling! I'll post more when I have some time...

As of now, only my history final tomorrow stands between me and the end of my undergraduate career... but I still have four more chapters to study. Die.

***
Well, I’m not paralyzed
But I seem to be struck by you
I want to make you move
Because you’re standing still
If your body matches
What your eyes can do
You’ll probably move right through
Me on my way to you

不死之身 (林俊傑)

This is one of my favorite Mandarin songs - loosely translated to read "Eternal Life", by JJ Lin. It was released sometime back in 2006 and I hadn't heard it in a while, but all of a sudden I thought of it again, and found it on imeem. For the record, my wimpy diet of Mandarin songs primarily consists of Jay Chou's tunes and maybe some random ditties by other artistes like Elva Hsiao.

On another note, I offered to cook dinner for some close friends at one of their places just last Saturday. They're people I work out with and so we see a lot of one another, at 6:00 am in the morning no less (sometimes I think they've been doing a pretty credible job at pretending they're thrilled to see me each day, despite me being the harbinger of doom, ie. crazy workouts).

I don't think I'd laughed as much in a long time till that dinner on Saturday. I don't know what it was - probably the good company and the funny jokes, no doubt - but the talking at the dinner table sent me into guffaws and cracked me up till my sides hurt so bad from laughing. (Note: Laughing with a full belly is intensely uncomfortable). But it was cathartic in a sense, being able to laugh and enjoy myself with friends. It cut through the dull ache in my heart in a way that I didn't think anything else but time could possibly do.

A lot of the time I try to convince myself that I've moved on and left it all behind, but in doing so I'm really not fooling anyone but myself. Then again, I guess there really is no other option but to wait it out. It's not as though I'm sitting around feeling sorry for myself - there's a ton of stuff to be done and so many things that jostle for my attention. And I'm not looking for sympathy here. It's just the nights like that which get me thinking about you, and all of a sudden I wish you wouldn't have been as cruel as to leave me, just like that.

That's really all there is to it.

***
陽光放棄這最後一秒
讓世界被黑暗籠罩
懲罰著人們的驕傲
我忍受寒冷的煎熬
和北風狂妄的咆哮
對命運做抵抗

Sunlight abandoned this final second
Letting the world be enveloped by darkness
Punishing people for their pride
I'll endure the suffering of freezing cold
And the north wind's pretentious roar
I'll resist destiny

這是無法避免的浩劫
不論你以為你是誰
任何事物 任何一切
喔 親愛的別難過
只要緊緊握著我的手

This is an unavoidable catastrophe
No matter who you think you are
Every object, every single thing
Oh, darling, don't feel sad
As long as you hold tightly to my hand

地球毀滅了以後
我仍愛你愛的不知天高地厚
為你再造一個新宇宙
不死之身 不死的溫柔

After the earth is destroyed
I'll still love you with a love that knows no bounds
I'll build you a new universe
Eternal life, undying tenderness

撐著悲傷不回頭
卻感覺此刻你停不了的淚流
唯有愛才能永垂不朽
唯有你我才能找回我
唯有你我才能找回我
唯有你我才能找回我

Bear the sorrow without turning back
But now, I feel as if your tears won't stop flowing
Only with love can we be remembered forever
Only with you can I find myself
Only with you can I find myself
Only with you can I find myself
***

wake-up call

Gotta love Adam Levine's voice!

***
I didn't hear what you were saying
I live on raw emotion, baby
I answer questions never maybe
And I'm not kind if you betray me
So who the hell are you to say we
Never would have made it babe

If you needed love
Well then ask for love
Could have given love
Now I’m taking love
And it’s not my fault
Cause you both deserve
What is coming now
So don’t say a word

Wake up call
Caught you in the morning with another one in my bed
Don't you care about me anymore
Don’t you care about me
I don't think so
Six foot tall
Came without a warning so I had to shoot him dead
He won't come around here anymore
Come around here
I don't think so

Would have bled to make you happy
You didn't need to treat me that way
And now you beat me at my own game
And now I find you sleeping soundly
And your lovers screaming loudly
Hear a sound and hit the ground

If you needed love
Well then ask for love
Could have given love
Now I’m taking love
And it’s not my fault
Cause you both deserve
What’s coming now

So don’t say a word

Wake up call
Caught you in the morning with another one in my bed
Don't you care about me anymore
Don’t you care about me
I don't think so
Six foot tall
Came without a warning so I had to shoot him dead
He won't come around here anymore
Come around here
I don’t feel so bad
I don’t feel so bad
I don’t feel so bad
***
Maroon 5 - Wake Up Call

i turned a bit of my pain into a song

Every angel had dirty hands
Even Judas planned to just carry on
Just picking up the pieces
Of what lies behind those sorrowful eyes
You can walk away

You don't have to go on
You don't have to be strong
Walk away now
You can walk away

the lover after me

Here I go again
I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today
It's been seven months and counting
You've moved on
I still feel exactly the same
It's just that everywhere I go
All the buildings know your name
Like photographs and memories of love
Steel and granite reminders
The city calls your name and I can't move on

Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me

Am I all alone in the universe?
There's no love on these streets
I have given mine away to a world that didn't want it anyway
So this is my new freedom
It's funny
I don't remember being chained
But nothing seems to make sense anymore
Without you I'm always twenty minutes late

And time goes by so slowly
The nights are cold and lonely
I shouldn't be holding on
But I'm still holding on for you

Here I go again
I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today
But I'm standing at your doorway
I'm calling out your name because I can't move on

***
Savage Garden - The Lover After Me

watching the candle flicker out in the evening glow

i was thinking of secondary school times and chuckled upon remembering how we wanted to form a band back then, in the height of the boyband craze and all the various teenybopper singers we used to listen to. if i'm not mistaken, we wanted to name ourselves "ten points offshore", though i can't quite recall the reason behind the name. good thing nothing ever came of it, though, because we realized that in its abbreviated form, tenPOS, it could quite easily be misinterpreted as "ten pieces of shit". hahaha. anyway, those days were fun. the days when i used to lug my guitar to school in lieu of a backpack (strange how we never seemed to study back then, don't you think?), where we would hang around in the classroom during recess poring over scores and lyrics and belting out songs. the times of my jordan knight craze (yes, i still think "give it to you" is a fab pop song, in case you were wondering). those were awesome times!

and i remember this song by bbmak was one of our favorites - in fact, it's a song i like very much still. sadly, it rings pretty true as well.

***
what am i supposed to do
with all these blues
haunting me, everywhere, no matter what I do
watching the candle flicker out in the evening glow
i can't let go
when will this night be over

i didn't mean to fall in love with you
and baby, there's a name for what you put me through
it isn't love, it's robbery
i'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me

seen a lot of broken hearts go sailing by
phantom ships, lost at sea
and one of them is mine
raising my glass, i sing a toast to the midnight sky
i wonder why
the stars don't seem to guide me

the ghost of you and me
when will it set me free
i hear the voices call
following footsteps down the hall
trying to save what's left of my heart and soul
***

Hombres G - There Is

i know it's the worst day of the year to think about this, but i remember you telling me that you never wanted to see me hurt the way you'd been hurt by someone else before

This vacation’s useless, these white pills are gone
I’ve given a lot of thought on this 13 hour drive
I missed the grinded concrete where we sat past 8 or 9
Slowly finished laughing in the glow of our head lights
I’ve given a lot of thought to the nights we used to have
The days have come and gone, our lives went by so fast
I faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor
Where I laid and told you but you swore you loved me more
Do you care if I don’t know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me?
Will I shake this off, pretend it's all ok?
That there’s someone out there who feels just like me… there is
Those notes you wrote me I’ve kept them all
I’ve given a lot of thought on how to write you back this fall
With every single letter in every single word
There will be a hidden message about a boy that loves a girl

Till I See You - Hillsong United

The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
- Psalm 18:2 (NIV)

This song never fails to minister to me and serve as a reminder of God's unchanging love. I don't think there's any other constant in this world. You are bound to encounter bitter disappointments, struggles, and numerous other trials in the course of your lifetime. You might be let down by the people whom you trusted and loved the most, and be hurt deeply. But God's love never falters, it never ebbs or recedes with the tide, it's always there for you. I hope the words in this song speak to you too, just as they spoke to me, and made me remember.

The greatest love that anyone could ever know
That overcame the Cross and grave to find my soul
And till I see You face to face
And grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in You

With all I am I'll live to see Your kingdom come
And in my heart I pray You'd let Your will be done
And till I see You face to face
And grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in You

I will live to love You
I will live to bring You praise
I will live a child in awe of You

You are a voice that called the universe to be
You are the whisper in my heart that speaks to me
And till I see You face to face
And grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in You

You alone are God of all
You alone are worthy Lord
And with all I am
My soul will bless Your name

Darren Hayes - Sing To Me

You step behind a curtain
In a moment you were gone
Nothing's ever certain
And it's hard to carry on

This is not what we planned
And I know it's hard to understand
But if this isn't what you want then
If this isn't what you need
Pry my fingers from your hand

And maybe it's just meant to be
Maybe you'll find a way to haunt me
Come back and sing a melody to me

Maybe we're just lost at sea
Maybe I'm holding on to driftwood
And I'll be alright if you could
Sing to me
Sing to me

You step beneath the landslide
Nothing feels right when you're wrong
And try to find an upside
Try to sing without a song

This is not what we planned
And I know it's hard to understand
But if this isn't what you want then

And maybe it's just meant to be
Maybe you'll find a way to haunt me
Come back and sing a melody to me

Maybe we're just lost at sea
Maybe I'm holding on to driftwood
And I'll be alright if you could
Sing to me
Sing to me

I keep seeing flashes of your hands
When I close my eyes
And I don't know why
And I don't know why

Help me make sense of what I don't understand
'Cause I've gotta know why
I've gotta know why
Tell me
Why do you sing to me

And maybe it's just meant to be
That you would sing to me
Maybe we're just lost at sea
Could you come sing for me

And maybe it's just meant to be
Maybe we're just lost at sea
Would you come sing for me
Sing for me